How to Stop Seeking Female Validation with 5 Powerful Tactics
I wrote this in response to a post from David at How to Beast. He has a great post but I’m going to give it my own slant.
First, I want you to admit you have a problem.
It’s ok. I and many other men have had this problem at some point in our past.
What’s the problem you might quizzically ask? I’ll tell you what it is:
You care too much.
Mainly you care too much about the approval and validation of other people. Most importantly, you care too much about female validation.
I’ll tell you right now – if you want any shot at “success” or “happiness”, you need to stop seeking validation (especially validation from women) ASAP.
This article is going to be going into:
- Why you seek validation from other people (especially women)
- The different types of validation you seek from others
- How to stop seeking female validation and validate YOURSELF
So with that, let’s start with the basics.
Note: This article is mainly directed towards men and the struggles that modern men face. This article can be applied to both men and women, however, it has a decidedly masculine slant.
Three Main Sources The Modern Man Must Stop Seeking Validation From
As a man in the modern world, you have three different types of unhealthy sources you need to stop seeking validation from.
These are:
- Validation from social media
- Validation from family and friends
- Validation from women
None of these are harmful outright. But it’s not uncommon for all of these (especially the last one) to be escalated to a fever pitch.
All of these can be intertwined to create a “ball of yarn” effect on someone’s mind and work to drain someone of their masculine confidence.
Here’s the breakdown of each.
Validation from Social Media
So, we live in an interesting time.
Never in history has the attention-grabbing, consciousness-shaping, and thought-diverting technology of social media been seen on such a large scale.
And because of this reality, social media tends to be addictive and it can shape you into someone who craves–rather needs approval from people you aren’t even close with.
You can post anything you want and get +1s, likes, and all other signs of approval from people…while doing absolutely nothing.
Or even moreso, you can flex on social media. You can flex and show that you have the biggest baddest house on the block, the latest version of the supercar, you being with tons of women, etc.
But appearances can be deceiving.
That massive house? Someone could have rented it. Or, even if they own it – can they afford the mortgage?
What about that supercar? Probably also rented. And also if they own it – can they afford the car payments.
Same with women, maybe being paid to be there, maybe not…but regardless, you don’t know what’s real and what’s not on social media.
Validation from Family and Friends
If you’re like most people, you want to make your parents proud of you.
More often than not, they poured a lot into you for you to get to this point.
Naturally, your parents and close family members want the best for you – but usually they won’t steer you in a path that may be a bit “unconventional”.
They put their time, energy, and money into raising you so they want to show off their finished product.
“I’m so proud of Johnny! He’s going to medical school!”
“Didn’t you know? Scott got accepted to Harvard Law!”
Your parents may want another doctor, lawyer, engineer, or so and so that they can brag to their friends about…
And tou may just want to show off to your friends and convince them that you’re not a damn loser.
But what’s the reality?
The reality is that seeking external validation from close friends and family members is yet again another disaster.
And if you want a better idea of what I’m talking about here, check out this podcast episode:
Now, for la pièce de résistance:
Validation from Women
Straight up…
Many men today are absolutely addicted to female validation.
Many men use social media as a conduit to get female validation.
Many men use their accomplishments as a way to female validation.
Many men use their toys, trickets, and whatever else as a way to female validation.
Why?
Many men were conditioned to seek female validation and approval when they were young.
Our entire life has been spent seeking and going after the “good boy” stamp of approval from women.
We had to be a “good boy” for mommy.
We had to sit still while the teacher (who was probably a woman) gave us lessons.
We had to impress our crushes in school, who were leagues above us (supposedly).
This also feeds back into our biology as well – being the natural “pursuers” of women.
Men will:
- Empty their bank accounts
- Buy stupid clothes
- Sell out their friends
- Do something which doesn’t benefit them at all to gain female validation
If you do this behavior, you may think you are getting ahead, but…you’re wrong.
Why Female Validation Is Ultimately Empty
Several years ago, one of my friends was despondent that he was never complimented on his looks by a woman.
And I was like “what?”.
I couldn’t wrap my mind around this. Because in my opinion, here’s three things wrong with that line of thinking:
- Women will often never just give out compliments to random guys, often because it gives them the wrong idea that the woman wants something to happen further
- Women who are interested in you will probably never let you know they find you attractive
- Compliments don’t really mean anything
Also, a man’s physical appearance is just not what gets a woman going.
Take a look at many of the men your female friends or family members are with.
Are they “handsome”? Are they male models?
Probably not.
There are some guys your female friends or family members are with and you’re like:
What?!?!?! She’s with him??!?!?!
Because physical appearance is not what flicks the attraction switches in women. That’s not how they’re wired.
Sure, for some women that can be part of it but there’s lots of so-called handsome men out there who are single because they have the personality and charisma of a block of wood.
I myself have been called “handsome” by lots of different women.
But it didn’t mean anything because:
- Most of these women I wasn’t even interested in and
- Most of the women who said this were in relationships – so she had the security of giving out a compliment to an individual but it not being taken the wrong way.
And the women who weren’t in a relationship, it was only after we were went on a date that a compliment like that came from her side.
But these compliments…
They didn’t matter.
They didn’t make me more money.
They didn’t make me more well off.
They didn’t help me to grow spiritually.
They didn’t help me to develop myself.
They didn’t help me to become physically fitter.
They didn’t help me to advance in life.
They didn’t help me to come up out the mud.
Sure, it’s nice – the ego likes it. And if you’re a man who hasn’t had luck dating, you may want a lot of women to say you’re “handsome”.
But what does it matter if 999 women say that and you have no interest in, while the girl you are if the girl you are interested in wouldn’t even look in your direction?
Doesn’t really matter does it?
But to whoever’s reading this…understand – your need for female validation and approval from women is holding you back and costing you. Costing you big time.
Where Does The Need For Female Validation Come From? Why Is It So Hard to Shake?
To uncover the roots of seeking female validation, approval from women, and overall approval from others – you need to understand the brain.
And this has two parts:
- Biological programming
- Societal programming
Let’s first start with biology.
Biological Programming
Everyone wants to be liked. Everyone wants to be accepted.
It’s alright if you feel this way. It’s human to feel this way.
It has to do with how the neurocircuitry in your brain is designed. And the prime player for this neurochemical firework display is dopamine.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is responsible for motivation.
It’s the “go get it chemical”.
Your brain releases dopamine every time you do something that will possibly ensure or promote your survival.
How does it relate to this example?
Well, you get a hit of dopamine when you’re told you did a good job or when you please someone who you consider your superior or slightly above you in social standing.
This is partially because we are hardwired to care about it. In days past, a man’s status often dictated his access to resources and thus – survival.
Despite external validation’s ability to give us some type feedback, in our current climate it can certainly be abused.
Social media takes this human fixation on validation and ratchets it up to a new level.
This is why it’s so easy to be a spectator in today’s world. You can sit on your couch and make rants about the state of the world and you’ll be rewarded for it.
The person who’s actually going out there and making a difference doesn’t see immediate rewards (unless they take a selfie and post it on Instagram).
Why bother going out and traveling unless someone’s going to see it?
Why bother spending the long hours to build a business unless you can document it on social media?
Being unable to stop seeking validation, can prevent you from taking risks, something which will ding your confidence in the near and long-term.
But as you get more validation, something interesting starts to happen. Namely, three things start to happen:
- It turns into a habit
- You want more and more
- You try to “one up” yourself
Desire for validation can turn into a habit. A bad one. And fast.
A habit is formed by repetition. Repetition is encouraged by once again…dopamine. If something is motivating and feels good, you’ll make it more likely you’ll do it again.
Soon, addiction to validation becomes a cycle, like a puppy chasing its tail.
Eventually, it isn’t enough for 50 people to like and comment on your photo.
You then need 51.
Then 52.
Then you post something that only gets 6 likes.
You are emotionally shattered.
That’s it. You need your next update to be “out of this world”.
So, you’ll attempt to one-up yourself.
You post something wittier, something more comical.
On a long enough timeline, it gets to the point where you become a parody of yourself.
You become a “shadow version” of yourself, someone who is an echo of what you think people want to see. You become a fake.
That’s only on social media. What’s it like in real life when it comes to family and friends and especially female validation?
Societal Programming
As I said earlier, we all crave the attention our superiors give us. This goes for our older family and friends.
If you’re stuck in a job you don’t like, you’ll keep on doing it because your parents think it’s awesome. If you’re in a relationship you don’t like, you will stay in it.
If you want the approval of a woman, you will bend over backward and be a doormat, just in the hope of getting laid. You’ll put her on an unattainable pedestal.
It’s a vicious cycle. You are addicted to validation, so you hop on social media to get female validation and from friends/family. You get that (female) validation and the insanity continues. You are now unable to stop.
At the end of a day, you will live a life that’s not really yours. You’re not running the day is running you. You’re the servant, not the master.
If you wait for the approval of others in order for you to do something, chances are you’ll be waiting for a long time.
If you want to stop seeking validation and ultimately being a people pleaser, it’s important that you do these things:
How to Stop Seeking (Female) Validation and Ultimately Being a People Pleaser
1. Stop the codependency, realize you have a problem
Addiction to validation, especially female validation is at its core – codependency on a spectrum. Codependency is:
“A person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs”
Doesn’t this sound like validation seeking?
At its best validation addiction is needing little “hits” of dopamine to cheer you up. At its worst, it turns into stalker-like and obsessive behavior (something many guys have a problem with in real life and especially online).
This in and of itself is a cause for concern.
Most people do not want to admit that they’re “addicted” to something because the word itself has such a negative connotation.
But this is the first step to realizing that you need to reassess things.
You probably have emotional bonds with women who don’t contribute anything to your life. If that’s the case, it’s time to stop. You need to break these bonds, stop seeking validation from her, and severe the cords.
If you have an ex you occasionally contact, cut her off.
If you have a girl’s Facebook/Instagram/TikTok you regularly stalk, unfriend her. Block her if you need to. You are basically dumping energy into a black hole.
2. Withdraw
Drawing back from certain activities and people is a key way to stop seeking validation, especially female validation.
This may mean closing certain social media accounts to not even hanging out with certain people.
Not surprisingly, withdrawing can lead to withdrawal.
You will crave that “drug” again. You’ll want to go back.
This is the part where you hold fast and don’t give in. You need to FLEX your will.
If you’re feeling withdrawal, that probably means that your brain is changing.
But this is the first step to establishing self-discipline. Going through your discomfort.
3. Get some goals
If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.
Anybody can just lead you down any path and you’ll gladly follow along.
Goals go along with the “non-negotiables” because they’re a destination.
With a clear destination and plans to get there, you won’t need to please anyone or do anything doesn’t correspond to these goals.
More importantly, there is this area in the base of your brain called the reticular activation system also known as RAS.
It’s a collection of neurons that filter out the data that comes into your conscious and unconscious awareness.
Think about all of the things that are happening to you right now.
Think about the air you’re breathing.
If you’re sitting in a chair, the chair you’re sitting in.
The clothes you’re wearing. The room you’re in.
Before I mentioned any of that, were you thinking about any of that? Probably not.
Why?
Your brain was filtering it out.
Same thing with your RAS.
Your RAS can be programmed to focus on certain goals. This means it can be programmed to filter out anything which does not relate to those goals.
If you set your goals right, you’re not going to care about getting approval from other people.
You’re not going to care what some idiot on the news said.
You’re not going to care what your co-worker did or didn’t do.
You’re not going to care about being called handsome by random women.
You’re just going to care with what you’re programmed with. Your goals.
There’s a whole field around this and it’s called Psycho-Cybernetics.
I wrote an article about it based around the book of the same name.
It’s in the description to this episode.
4. Know thyself
This is the hardest one to do…but the most essential. You need to ask yourself one question:
Who the hell am I?
Really. Truly.
Think back to when you were a young tyke. Who was he before the opinions of the world and self-limiting beliefs got in his way?
Take 10-15 minutes and sit in a quiet room and think about this. Without this knowledge, you’ll just end up following other people.
I can only speak for myself, but I’ve always had an understanding of who I am and what I’m interested in. Sure, my connection to that fluctuated throughout the years but I’ve always had some knowledge. Some awareness. Some people have absolutely no clue.
Maybe it was trauma of some kind that made people blank out or maybe there wasn’t really much to speak of, but getting back to that core self is an indispensable part of unhooking yourself from this IV drip of validation.
Because if you don’t, you will always be looking to the world to tell you who you are and who you should be.
5. Start the dopamine detox
The dopamine detox is a way of existing in the world that is growing in popularity as time goes on. People are starting to wake up and realize the effects of specific activities on life outcomes.
In the dopamine detox, the emphasis is on removing low value/high stimulation activities that use up someone’s motivation to actually do things that moves the needle forward.
If you want to learn how to stop seeking validation (especially female validation) on social media, this is how to do it.
To learn more about the dopamine detox, check out the article Dopamine Detox: A Neural Reset for the Modern World.
Conclusion and The Final Verdict
As we come to the end of this, I want to re-clarify that I am not entirely against validation. I think it serves its purpose as a feedback mechanism from other people.
Getting an accolade from your peers or superiors feels great.
Interacting with your friends in a constructive way on social media is a great way to cement offline bonds when you do meet up.
Being flirted with by an attractive woman gives you a rush.
Getting people who have known you for years acknowledge your accomplishments gives you an indescribable feeling.
But you just need to understand that social media is a tool. Familial approval is a tool. Female validation is a tool.
These can let you know that you may be on the right track towards something greater.
You also need to understand that validation has a dark side. You need to avoid that dark side.
Lastly, you need to understand that chasing an unrealistic level of validation is ultimately a road to nowhere – one that wastes time, wastes life, and ultimately wastes potential – which is precisely why you have to stop seeking validation.
Trying to get validation from all the friends, all the family members, all the women, everyone on social media is a losing game.
You can’t spend your life surrounded by a bunch of yes-men, shielding you from the ups and downs of life.
Lots of people spend and have spent their entire life riding a high of validation until it all came crashing down leading to their physical or emotional demise.
Don’t let that happen to you.
Have any thoughts about our validation culture? Let me know in the comments.
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I am an approval addict. I have been this way as far back as I can remember. It started as a little girl when my mom would come home from work and yell at me because I didn’t help her with chores. She would ignore me for awhile and I would think of what chores i could do to please her to gain her approval.
How has that affected you now? What are you doing to fix it?
Great article, very well thought and complete ! Thank you it helps a lot
I’m the same. I can’t exactly remember when it started. But I know it’s a cycle of wanting to say the right things and constantly worrying if the person will like you. It crushes your soul man.
I love it when people come together and share opinions, great blog, keep it up.
Love this. Just I’m not really sure how to tell the difference of if I need validation, if I ultimately just don’t think I’m good enough for a lot of things or too scared to try?
Loved this one. Thanks for the information. Keep sharing more.
Never understood why people seek validation. Seriously how desperate can you be?
The bottom line is that nobody really cares about you or your life. It’s not because people are cold and heartless – it’s just because we are all essentially strangers to one another.
Why seek approval from strangers? It’s perfectly orchestrated self-deception!
Interesting perspective, Leigh. Many thanks for your insight!
It’s not about being desperate, it’s about survival. People are relatively helpless on their own compared to other animals. We survived because we worked in groups.
Validation is like checking in with others, like “How am I doing relative to the group”. It’s only bad when it gets out of control and becomes the main reason for adopting certain behavior, lifestyle, etc.
Total indifference to others’ approval does not seem healthy to me.
I’m a woman and I️ have to admit this was extremely helpful. I️ constantly sought out validation from my male friend that I️ was sleeping with even though I️ new he had other women. When he did not respond or affirm me in the way that I️ longed for I felt so rejected. Recently, I️ made the decision to leave him alone and in the process I️ began to experience the symptoms of withdrawal from him validating me. I️ thought I was the only one that experienced that. I️ will not give in!! Thanks again!!
Kryssy, Many women feel like that. Its awesome you disconnected from that person and didn’t give in
I read the first half of this and it totally changed my perspective and opened my eyes to the harm I’ve been doing myself. I’ve nearly driven myself along the spectrum into full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. Thank you so much for writing this in a way that truly resonated with me. I’ve heard this same message so many times but having the whats and hows and whys explained in such contemporary detail (and a C.S. Lewis quote!) really hit it home.
I’m suffering from this dependent personality disorder where I constantly need a male person in my life to comfort me, validate my feelings, give attention n care to me…I’m so easily attached to any men…even 2-3 person at same time…I loose my mental stability when I lost that attention…I dnt know what to do…it’s easier said that done…it seems like impossible to me to survive without a male person
Have you seen a therapist?
This article definitely applies to women, too. I think it is healthy for all involved to detach from one-sided relationships as quickly as possible. I went into an emotional tailspin the other day because a casual friend and my husband got into it over politics on social media. My friend made a lot of assumptions about our beliefs that were untrue and rejected both of us because we don’t live up to her expectations. Anyway, this bothered me so much that I was obsessing about it and I realized I was craving her approval in an unhealthy way. My husband and I DO support equal rights and civil rights in our words and actions. What she was saying was just wrong.This article is helping me to look at my life and check my codependency, which I have struggled with in the past.
Loved this article. I also loved the comments too so im leaving one as well! It’s also worth adding that the need for validation can also come from ‘Identity disturbance’ or ‘unstable sence of self’ documented as symptoms of PTSD and Borderline Personality disorder. This type of need for validation comes from a disconnect between the individual and their spirit. ( due to PTSD, CPTSD or BDP). This issue is said to be fixable through cogitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. As in noted in the article “know thy self” first and foremost. Mindfullness has said work wonders for pulling ones awareness into the preset moment and this can lead to greater self awareness. 🙂
Thanks
Awesome! Thanks for stopping by, Mischa!
In response to ‘Irka’ I would have to disagree with you.
Social media has taken attention-seeking and validation to a whole new level.
Granted – we are social mammals with a need to co-operate in order to get along, but seeking validation is a conscious choice. It has nothing to do with survival.
Furthermore, ‘groups’ don’t exist – individuals exist and individuals choose to voluntarily co-operate in order to achieve common goals and objectives.
I take a rather depressing and long-term view of things. We are all heading for the grave ultimately and everything we do in between is essentially meaningless regardless of the face that we put on it.
When you look at life like this – what’s the point of seeking any validation from others when we’re all heading into the ground (ultimately). A sobering thought uh!
My point is that seeking validation from others is in itself both futile and counter-productive. Time passes, we age, we die and that’s it!
Your comment remembered me of a quotation from Shakespeare: “life is but a walking shadow; a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage; and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot; full of sound and fury, signifying nothing”.
I found this article while searching for insight into my best friend/boyfriend’s behavior. Most of what I have read or have been told simply did not fit. He seeks the validation of other women, but in an almost child-like manner. He isn’t seeking any kind of romantic validation from them. After reading this, it solidifies my original belief that it stems from his lack of approval from his parents as a child and losing his mother, first mentally then physically, at a young age. I have known from the moment I met him there was so much more than what he let everyone see. I have stuck by him when most would have given up, not because I am desperate or stupid, but because I knew the reality an the extent of his actions and his need for validation. I am also very self confident and don’t need his or anyone else’s validation myself, which has probably helped balance this out. It has been rough but he finally saw it and admitted it to himself and to me. We finally made the progress that I always knew was possible. I am going to share this article with him tonight so he can understand this from a different perspective. Thank you!!
Hi Sim,
Great Article! I also think you missed out on another important type of validation that plagues men, which is seeking validation from people in authority. Most nice guys possess this trait and it usually stems from a parental environment where a person in authority (parent) denied care and affection unless the child conformed to certain precepts. This usually transfers to a workplace scenario where excessive importance is placed on the approval of people in higher positions of authority which leads to silent agony and suffering of the person in order to put up a front of being nice.
Wow, this is a great point Guz. Thanks for commenting. There’s so many different types of people pleasing and attention seeking that it is impossible to cover them all in one post.
GREAT article. You nailed me in a nutshell. I’m an approval and validation addict, and I realized it before I ever read this. I know what I NEED to do. I’ve known it for years. What I want to know is HOW DO I DO IT? What are some concrete steps I can take to break this cycle of neediness and codependence?
Thanks for your work!
Trey,
Thanks for your comment.
I’d recommend seeing a GOOD therapist. You may have some deeper issues you need to work through on your own in addition to helping you be more self-reliant in that area.
Cool. Thanks, man. Keep up the good work, buddy. – B
Thank you so much this is so helpful. I know my validation from women issues come from childhood. I always wanted verbal validation from parents and never got it. Ive been seeking it from women I’ve worked with and almost ruined marriage.
I love this article, I realise that posting this comment is probably some kind of search for validation but I just found it funny that there is the “click to tweet” option halfway through.
I’m not trying to say it compromises the message of the piece or anything. It was just a delicious irony(*?) that made me laugh inwardly and I thought I would share it. Although on further introspection I suspect my desire to point this out is also driven by my insecurities and my need for other people to validate my perceptiveness.
*I’m never sure if I’m using irony correctly
There’s no real shame in re-tweeting insightful stuff, especially if it’s for the right reasons. 🙂
Hi I am from uk some one recently told me after my girl dump me now one of my friend told me that never validate a women and don’t give her non sexual attention I didn’t get can you explain me please what does it mean how can we not validate any examples
Just don’t give her any unnecessary attention. Just treat her like another human being.
Basically, never kiss a woman’s arse.
When you validate a woman, you’re feeding her EGO – giving her what she want’s. You’re raising her value and devaluing your own attention as a result.
Remember, as a man, your time and attention are also worth something.
Never place a woman on a pedestal and treat them as a trophy to be fought over. At the end of the day, this woman is nothing more than a human being. Why elevate her at the expense of diminishing your own integrity?
Ignore women as much as possible. If they engage, keep the conversation short and polite. Don’t play mind games and get caught up in their ramblings. Just try and keep a healthy distance.
I wish we would stop the gender wars and be nice to one another. Relationships are about collaboration, not power games. Many women also feel the way about men as you feel about women. Instead of putting each other down, let’s raise each other.
I am a woman and could relate to most of this! Good article.
Came here looking for advice on a similar condition, but read the entire article anyway. Wow! Thank you for writing this. I needed this.
No problem!
Hi, I just wanted to thank you for a great article, there’s also some great comments on here as well. I have a problem with needing validation, not so much from social media, but certainly from women, especially my wife. Since we got together 9 years ago I’ve been convinced I was punching above my weight, showering her with positive comments and just waiting for her to find someone more her equal and leave. Now I’ve realised that the only person saying I’m punching above my weight, is me. When I shower her with affection she never returns it or believes me (apparently I’m blind and she looks awful). Instead of stopping or changing tact, I do it more. I’m not sure how, but I need to break free of this vicious cycle. Start to accept myself for who I am, realise that she wouldn’t have gone out with me if she didn’t see something in me, and stop elevating her and instead realise that we are equal.
Great article! I do wish you had kept it gender neutral though…there are many women who also seek approval of men or could be co-dependent. I am an example – where I have sought approval of men in authority all my life, and this also translates into my personal life.
Thanks Priyanka,
The reason why it’s not gender neutral is because I write mainly speaking to men most of my topics. Men have a problem with giving away attention where it isn’t needed and getting nothing back. I realize women also get caught up in co-dependent and validation seeking behavior, however, my writing is not directed towards women.
Hey Sim, great article. Life altering. Thank you!
what I have recently realised is that addiction to validation seeking from others is like digging for gold . You end up so exhausted because no gold is ever enough thats if you even get it and then you get all sad and frustrated when others wont give you there gold or they get fed up with you always seeking it all the time and they stop giving it. It never ends until you realise you need to start to learn how to seek the gold within you thats is infinite and a joy to discover..and you can still seek gold from others were they want to give it and it will come from a place of joy rather than sadness and misery..its true getting validation from others is like the most exquisate drug so whats the answer the validation you seek from yourself has to feel much better. I have to say i am no were near this place but its a dream vision of a better future.
I’m in a dark place right now all because of the seeking validation from other people, I’m loosing my family and my life because of this, I’m going to try all this advices you gave me to improve my self thanks for the article.
Very valuable for me.
Wishing I found this article many many years ago.
Glad to hear it, Arnaldo. Please reach out if you need further assistance.