Should You Break Up With Your Girlfriend?
A lot of young men get to the point where they feel this tingling feeling in the pit of their stomach.
They feel it when they’re sitting at the desk of their 9-5 entry-level job.
They feel it when they’re sitting in their car going back home.
They feel it when they lay their head on the pillow and look up at the ceiling – wishing, hoping, praying for sleep.
They feel it when they’re sitting on the couch watching TV with their significant other.
That feeling is summed up in the question: “should I break up with my girlfriend?”
For guys, this is a question that you feel guilty to ask.
The woman you’re with is pretty much perfect in every way. She’s your high school or college sweetheart. You have mutual friends. She’s “marriage material”, So what’s the problem?
The problem is that tingling in the pit of your stomach which says: “something’s wrong”.
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Should I Break Up With My Girlfriend? Signs You Should Consider It
If you’re asking this question or something similar on a consistent basis, then the answer is an absolute “yes”. Why?
Your subconscious mind knows more than you realize. It is the source of “hunches”. Properly trained, it can help you solve the answers to problems that you didn’t have the solution to.
It is a realm of vast knowledge and information. It has recorded everything you’ve ever done, seen, heard, or experienced and encoded it into reference experiences, into your paradigm.
Your subconscious learns by repetition. Repetition enforces new patterns. Patterns become your personality. Your personality becomes your personal reality.
Why is this important?
Many people are in “so-so” relationships.
The honeymoon phase is over, the infatuation has disappeared, the lust is gone.
The real work of a relationship begins. The awkward conversations, the times when you don’t agree on things, the deeper understanding of that person. That work is too messy, too real to dive into.
Just bypass it and just coast on the laurels.
Things aren’t too good…but they’re not too bad either.
It’s better than being single, right?
Subconsciously, you have internalized the habitual feeling of an “alright” relationship.
But you can’t help but feel like this relationship is an anchor weighing you down. You feel like you could do so much more…
So you harbor that subtle resentment, that feeling of being “trapped” until things just fall apart.
But other than that, here’s some signs you should probably break up:
- You (or her) are unhappy
- You fight like cats
- If you don’t fight often, when a fight occurs, it is massive
- You aren’t getting your needs met
- Things seem stagnant
- Your value systems are not aligned
- You or her constantly avoid problems
- You believe there’s someone else better out there
- Friends, family, and outside people support you breaking up
Everything Works Until It Doesn’t (The Breakdown of Paradigms)
“The truth is not always beautiful, nor beautiful words the truth.” – Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
You and everything around you are constantly changing. Life is an ocean (a tsunami, rather) of controlled chaos only kept subtly in check by rules and regulations.
Still, even with all of these rules – even with all of these regulations, things fall apart.
- When your wife of 20 years is caught having an affair.
- When kids enter the picture and one of you realized you don’t want that life.
- When the person you get engaged to still hasn’t changed their ways.
- When the fights happen and people start getting ugly with the intent to emotionally annihilate the other person.
- When your significant other embarrasses you in front of all your friends, making you look utterly incompetent.
- When serious personality defects that were “yellow flags” in a relationship become “red flags” in a marriage.
- When human nature turns “novelty” into “contempt”.
What happens then? What happens when the worldview you’ve built with this person crumbles into dust?
Many people use a relationship as a crutch for comfort.
However, comfort can quickly become very uncomfortable because as the world expands, your comfort zone shrinks.
You become needier. You drive the woman away further, which makes you even needier. It’s a downward cycle.
A relationship works until it doesn’t. It provides needs until it doesn’t.
If it’s not helping you get to the next level, it’s weighing you down. If your girlfriend is not growing with you, she is weighing you down.
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The Upside of Breaking Up With Your Girlfriend
Everyone I knew who broke up with their girlfriend or were dumped eventually found a better girlfriend.
They went to the gym. They improved their confidence. They got that warrior energy back. They weren’t in scarcity mindset any longer. As a result, they got an even better girlfriend.
They were willing to lose in the short-term in order to gain in the long-term.
Staying in a relationship that’s not working for too long will decay you as a person and as a man. The comfort zone will trap you and you will never reach your full potential.
When the time passes and you look back, you’ll say to yourself:
Thank God I didn’t stay with that woman…
You may not need to break up
After reading this article, you may think that you need to absolutely, 100% break up. But that may not be the case.
You may be in a rough patch in your relationship where things just need to be resolved through good old fashioned communication.
If the other person is unwilling or unable to have the conversations that need to happen, then…that’s a bad sign.
Problems not addressed and resolved now only resurface at other, other inconvenient times.
Another aspect people overlook is: romanticizing other people’s relationships and people themselves. We live in this world where people showcase their perfect lives all the time and think that other people are “the perfect couple” or they “seem like they never fight”.
Even worse is when people project qualities onto other people that they don’t even have. Looking at a girl’s Instagram, you may fantasize about her and think she would be a better girlfriend. If you did get with her, you would be back to square one except with a different girl.
Because remember…
No matter how attractive she is, someone is sick of dealing with her.
Everyone has trouble in their lives, everyone has situations that they don’t broadcast on social media. That couple you’re looking at may be going through the same things you are.
But if you feel like none of these apply to you, read on…
How to Break Up With Your Girlfriend (& Why It’s So Hard to Break Up)
There is no super clean way to end a relationship.
It can be utterly devastating, that’s why people don’t want to do it and they’d rather stay in a shitty relationship.
Think of breaking up like telling your boss at the job you’ve been at for 6 years, that you’re quitting – effective immediately.
Your boss will most likely be devastated and shocked, but they will eventually find a replacement.
They may not be you, they may not have your exact qualities – but your role will be filled in due time. The same as it is with your girlfriend.
She will eventually find someone else to fill the role of “boyfriend” eventually (especially if she’s attractive and social).
You have to have a serious conversation about this. You have to lay all your cards out on the table and tell her straight. Give her the reason(s) why you want to break up and just tell her.
It may hurt you, it may hurt her, but you have to do it. It’s the only way.
After you break up, you may wonder why it hurts so much to break up.
Beyond the intangible, emotional considerations, you are physically addicted to her and she to you.
You are used to her scent, her touch, the way she feels in your arms, her vibe, her aura. Your body has adjusted itself to complement and match her mentally, physically, hormonally. Your body is getting ejected out of homeostasis and is thrown out of whack.
You’ll want to go and look at her pictures on social media. You will start craving for her. Anything to bring back the pleasure. Anything to spike the dopamine.
Over the weeks, it adds up and you’ll want to go back.
“Maybe breaking up with her was wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. Oh my God, I’m such an idiot – I’ll never find someone like her again.”
All lies. All rationalizations. All bullshit.
It’s like a mild withdrawal from an addiction. You are going cold turkey on the object of your addiction.
Treat it like one, get past the withdrawal phase, and you’ll feel back to your normal self, ready to take on life.
With the breakup, you’ll end up opening a lot of doors that were not previously opened because you were in a suffocating situation.
Conclusion + Next Steps
After a breakup, a lot of guys are quick to rush into another relationship and are on the hunt to find another woman. Don’t.
A lot of guys just swing from woman to woman to woman, never really knowing who they are at their core. They go from momma then girlfriend to girlfriend. One woman after the other, always depending on someone else.
Use this time, this space to explore yourself and develop a stronger core, a stronger foundation.
It’s time for self-improvement and revamping your life.
So are you going to break up with your girlfriend? The choice is yours.
It’s only when you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.
Let me know in the comments: have you ever broken up with someone? What was the end result? Were you better or worse?
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I m breaking up this morning!!!
This article is incredible and exactly what i needed to read. Thank you.
I just broke up with her but I’m feeling like it wasn’t right. mostly because things were so great in the beginning. but as it went on I kept getting that feeling you explained in the article. i couldn’t understand it. all she ever did was try to make me happy, and I pushed her away. I don’t know if it’s because there’s something wrong with me, or what. but I lost that spark I had with her
Maybe you quit on the relationship too soon?
Was it worth it? I’m feeling the EXACT same way…. My gf loves me tirelessly, would do anything for me, but I push away and feel suffocated… I think I’m going to end it today… It’s giving me mad anxiety man
I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday and I have guilt and wonder if I did the wrong thing. The thing is, when it was good it was good but when it wasn’t there was a lot of hostility and bad feeling, I wouldn’t see her for a week and I’d start to feel better and then I would see her, she would “innocently” say something to me that would push my buttons and I would get pissed off, shout at her and feel awful afterwards. It couldn’t go on. We had been together 2 ½ years.
The hostility and bad feelings outshine the good times. There will be “good times” in every relationship, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a healthy one. There’s other fish out in the sea. 🙂
I’ve been dating this girls for 4 years and when we broke up I felt almost indifferent. I felt optimistic about my future and all the possibilities but there was also a slight feeling of what if this is a mistake. This girl and I had planned out our lives together but I work a lot because I have a business and I work on other projects as well and my lack of time with her lead to this. But we kinda hung on for a year where she was waiting for me to get back into it with her and I kinda thought we might, but she wanted to get engaged and I don’t really feel like it right now. I have sorta like an indifference feeling towards our relationship at times, but other times I wonder if I’m passing up on someone who is in many ways very great and would do anything for me. I have a hard time distinguishing if I have a “rare” girl who is so passionate about me and supports in everything I do or if there are just as good or better people out there. This was my first real serious relationship and now I’m 23. We are right now at a breaking point and I’m wondering if I should just let it go
If you both aren’t on the same page, you’re better off hitting pause on this relationship for now…
I am 22 years old and got with my girlfriend straight after school at the age of 18. I feel like I never got the chance to just be me, young, single and free. She is the nicest, most caring, easy going girl but after 4 years together and maybe 2 years of questioning the relationship and putting off this feeling of wanting to be single it seems to have come to a head in the forms bad anxiety and just not feeling good.
I am terrified of ending it, and recently I told her how I was feeling and cried more than ever but said I wasn’t sure what I wanted so we are still together just taking it day by day. But it is hard, and every time I am with her recently it gets harder because the thought of breaking up becomes even more difficult. It’s like I can’t push it away anymore, I can no longer repress it and say “in the future”.
I keep doubting this feeling I have which has been here for a long time, worrying that I think the grass is greener and that I have built up the single life in my head to something its not. I love this girl very deeply and the thought of hurting her cripples me, especially as she wants to be with me and loves me, and is also not very confident in herself. The problem is it is seriously weighing me down. I guess i’m waiting for a better time, when i feel she is more secure in herself, but in the meantime it is hard to pretend to be ok around her when i’m not. How do I know which feelings to trust? How do I make a final decision? I feel I know in my heart it has to happen, but is this because of me thinking it has to, or because it actually does? I also believe and am learning about the powers of the subconscious (God, Metaphysics, etc..) and have asked for guidance, but find myself questioning even those inclinations.
Once i make a decision to do it, the thoughts of “what if its a mistake that i regret very badly” and similar thoughts come into my head. I don’t usually comment on articles but this is the first one i found to be relatable. Any advice from you Sim would be great, just an outsider looking in with no bias. Thank you.
Thanks for your comment, Jeff. I’m not going to tell you to break up or to stay together, I’m just going to encourage you to think of the big picture. I am of the personal opinion that anyone younger than 25 shouldn’t be in a long-term committed relationship with the eventual possibility of marriage. Most people (with few exceptions) don’t know what they want out of life itself. It’s way too easy to put up with unacceptable behavior from a woman and people in general when you lack life and worldly experience. If you both aren’t on the same page about what you want from a relationship, then that relationship is doomed.
I think this is a tough situation, but you have to look at the long term. You’re a 22-year-old man with a high ceiling for growth and development. At this time, you need to do whatever it takes to maximize the opportunities you have right now. Like I said in the article, you may not need to break up. But is she stopping you from growing and expanding? Is she encouraging you? Are you guys fighting like cats or are there just things that bother you here and there. These are all things you have to think of.
This is something you’ll have to decide on your own for better or for worse. Just like we decide on what college to go to, what career to go into, or who our friends are, we have to make decisions and let the chips fall where they may and just live with them.
Wishing you the best.
I’m 19 and I’ve been dating my girl for 4 years now and had on and off a couple times, I tried to break up with her but we just went on a week of fixing each other, and things have been okay but whenever something happens between us she gets scared that it will build up and I’ll want to break up with her. I’ve have been thinking this for 2 years and I don’t get that honeymoon feeling and I’m not excited to see her, like I’d be okay if I didn’t see her for a week, but I don’t mind spending time with her, but I’m also not physically fully attracted to her anymore. I’d be okay with her for the rest of my life but I don’t think I’d be fulfilled and feel weighed down like I can’t accomplish some of my dreams. And there has always been this other girl but the timing just wasn’t right between us. So should I just stay in it or find who I am and go all in on my dreams and work on myself
Hey Austin,
At 19, you’re pretty young. I personally don’t believe anyone under 25 should be in long-term, committed relationship because it can prevent them from missing out on things in life that they need to capitalize on while young. I’d recommend discussing your feelings with her and deciding if you guys want to continue, “take a break”, or just call it quits entirely.
Wow!
I just broke up with my girlfriend that I was with for 5 years. It felt absolutely terrible! Even if I have had that gut feeling for a year or so. In the moment I released the bomb I immediately regret it, even if I was pretty certain just the moments before I said it. But I only think its my mind playing tricks with me because the attitude we had had to eachother lately was really destroying me from the inside.. I have read alot of stuff on the internet the last year, booth on how to improve as a boyfriend and if i should even be together anymore. This article was the best thing ive read on the topic ever! Thank you so much for your wisdom! I will save it as a bookmark and go and read it when i feel down or feeling regret. I hope I find true happiness with a girl sometime in the future, but now am totally just gonna focus 100% on myself!
Thanks again! 🙂
/Josef from Sweden
Nice one, Josef. Best of luck to you.
I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years, but i can’t take off this “break up” feeling, right now things are “ok” between us, I dont want to hurt her, but when I’m not with her i dont even miss her… I know that i can continue with my life with her by my side… But it’s so hard to just break up…
Have you tried communicating your feelings to her?
I am 21 and have been on and off with this girl since I was 17. She loves me and I know for a fact she would marry me in the future if I asked her too. I have been considering ending the relationship for good for years now and I have attempted to multiple times just to get back together within a few months or less because I’m weak and she’s a good girl. I want the player lifestyle again. I lived some version of it for some time on our longest break and there was nothing more thrilling or ego boosting. I cannot stand to hurt her by breaking her heart and she is really good to me but I have always felt something is missing. I see her one day a week and feel like I’ve had enough of her for the week but I’m worried of losing my best friend/girlfriend and breaking her heart in an attempt to live a lifestyle I think could make me happier. I care too much about her feelings and also potentially regretting losing her. I feel stuck despite deep down knowing that on my death bed I would not be content with how I spent my 20s if I stay with her. Guess I’m too much of a pussy to just let her go.