How to Stop Being a Nice Guy and Start Living the Life You Deserve

If you’ve lived long enough, you’ve inevitably heard a statement like:

“Nice guys finish last.”

Is it true? Is it true that nice guys generally don’t get what they want out of life?

But before I address that, I want to recognize that if you’re reading this, then you realize one of three things:

1. That you know without a doubt that yourself are a Nice Guy
2. That you are finding it really difficult to get your needs met in some way
3. That living in this way over time will drive you batshit and is ultimately unsustainable in the long-run

If this describes you, don’t worry. This article is going to show you how to stop being a Nice Guy.

It’s also going to go into:

• Behaviors that characterize a Nice Guy and where they originate
• The root causes of being a Nice Guy
• The consequences of being a Nice Guy
• The better alternative to being a jerk or a “bad boy”

Let’s get started.

The article is also available as a podcast.

What Exactly is a Nice Guy, Anyway?

“Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval.” – Dr. Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy

If you ask most people if being “nice” is a good character trait to have, the majority of people would say “yes”.

Why?

Because being “nice” is confused for being “kind”. That’s not what “nice” is.

My definition of nice is this:

A collective set of behaviors and attitudes that are collectively agreed upon to contribute to the general well-being and functioning of society.

For example, it’s “nice” to hold the door open for someone.

It’s “nice” to say please and thank you.

It’s “nice” to call your parents often.

It’s “nice” to tip service people.

It’s “nice” to not argue.

These things help human interactions proceed smoothly, but they don’t necessarily have to come from a place of true kindness.

All of these things are considered socially acceptable, so that’s why they’re considered “nice”.

Going off of that definition in relation to this topic,  a “Nice Guy” is someone who has bought into the socially accepted narrative about how our society works. They’ve created an unspoken belief that:

If I’m nice to people, then I’ll get what I want. I’ll get what I need to survive and feel happy.

This is a belief I call the “myth of civilization” (more on that later).

Nice Guys inherently lack social status, so they try to compensate for it in other ways – niceness, being one of them.

Generally speaking, these are behaviors and/or traits of the Nice Guy:

• Seeks approval from others
• Lacks tangible masculine energy
• Tries to hide flaws and limitations
• Usually “in their head” rather than in their body
• Often indecisive even when it comes to trivial matters
• Has massive deficits in their dating life, social life, and family life
• Avoids conflict for the sake of avoiding conflict, is afraid of “friction”
• Lives in a world of “theory” and fantasy rather than pragmatism, which leads to passivity

There’s more, but looking over these few should give you a clue if you are a Nice Guy.

The Creation and Origins of Nice Guys

Life is not about getting everyone to approve of you and avoiding all conflict and friction and keeping everything smooth. That’s a coward’s life… You are not meant for that life. – Dr. Aziz Gazipura, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence

If anyone asked me to sum up the predominant mental setting of a Nice Guy, it would have to be fear rooted in powerlessness.

This fear is a fear of shame because it would lead to the destruction of their Nice Guy self-image.

This fear and lack of agency creates an escapism into the realm of abstraction.

Nice Guys love ideas, theories, and intellectualism because they offer a brief respite from their overwhelming sense of powerlessness in the real world.

Nice Guys tend to have a very structured, dogmatic, and angular view of reality. Very 1+1=2, input/output type stuff.

They believe very heavily in rules, spoken or unspoken codes of conduct, I do this so you must do that.

But as anyone who is living in the real world knows, life isn’t about rules. It isn’t about “codes of conduct”.

Sure, I believe in universal laws and universal principles – but many of our beliefs about how society should work are learned – from somewhere. Again – more about that later.

When this paradigm about reality starts to break down, Nice Guys become very isolated. In our modern world, Nice Guys inevitably set up fantasy realms in the world of pornography or video games, where everything goes well for him all the time.

An example of this Nice Guy paradigm would be a computer programmer who’s technically brilliant, but when it comes time for promotion – he gets passed over in favor of his colleague who is more assertive and “extroverted” but less skilled.

Or you’ll see it in the guy who’d make a great potential romantic partner but can’t tell women how he feels, so he gets passed over in favor of the guy who doesn’t give a shit about her but is more magnetically appealing.

When the Nice Guy manages to have a sexual encounter, he is unable to enjoy the experience because he is unable to remain in the moment. He is unable to remain present and a man’s presence is what what makes a woman melt.

After one repeat traumatic experience after another, Nice Guys start to retreat more into isolation. As a result, they become weak men and lack efficacy, strengthening this downward cycle.

Nice Guys have a dark side (like everyone does) that they want to shield from the light of day, because they fear that they’ll be shamed for these impulses. It’s not uncommon to hear of a Nice Guy having some type of behavioral or substance addiction that no one knew about.

As a result, this dark side grows larger and larger until the facade just cracks and the Nice Guy ends up going postal on himself or unfortunately, others.

How does this happen? Where do guys like this come from? Well, in my personal opinion, there’s three main sources.

Parental Conditioning

Your earliest model of how to act came from your parents. Since your parents are also human, they have some degree of dysfunction. Regardless, they did the best they could with the knowledge they had at the time.

Your father may have been a Nice Guy who failed to show you some sort of masculine direction, he may have been abusive, or he may have been wholly absent from your life, in which case, your mom had to step in.

Nice Guys (some, not all) come from families where there was a good degree of repression and/or massive underlying trauma. It could be one of a very conservative religious background, one with very muted emotions, or one with an abusive family dynamic.

As a result, these Nice Guys created a social mask in order to fit into the family unit and go along without any problems.

Peer Conditioning

School can be a really rough experience for a kid.

This is especially if you find yourself a bit on the introverted side, a little shy, a little un-athletic, or a bit smaller than the other kids, you’ll find it hard to really assert yourself and speak up for what you want.

You then get shoved to the back of the pack and you start to see it as a way of life.

Kids very early on start to say to themselves “I guess this is how it’ll be” and start to accept their lot in life as a guy who isn’t respected by his peers or potential lovers.

Why does this happen in the first place?

Kids tend to be pretty Darwinistic, meaning it is survival or nothing in kid land.

It’s always the one who is the biggest. The one who is the best. The one who is the most popular.

Since the brain doesn’t stop developing until mid-to-late 20s, kids in school have a long way to go when it comes to even having the psychological hardware that’s required to exhibit high levels of empathy, grace, compassion, discernment, understanding, and other character traits that help people in human relations.

They have to be taught this at a basic level and practice it repeatedly until it begins to begin a habit and they can extend basic amounts of kindness to others who may not be the biggest, who may not be the best, or the most popular.

Until then, if you’re someone who had at one point fit the opening of this section, then this is probably all too familiar to you.

As the years progress, this becomes a self-perpetuating and self-fulfilling prophecy that continues on into adulthood. It’s a form of learned helplessness.

Societal Conditioning

In general mainstream media, you get indoctrinated with the belief that the good guy always wins, he always gets the girl, he always gets a happy ending. When someone who’s a Nice Guy doesn’t win, it’s seen as a grand, universal injustice.

In reality, good guys don’t always win and more often than not, they don’t always get the girl (or else there wouldn’t be a large amount of infidelity and/or divorces).

Mainstream society socializes the average human being to be very passive, to take on a victim and scarcity mentality, and to be reactive instead of proactive and pragmatic. This creates a society of passive-aggressive Nice Guys who behave in pathological ways to get what they truly want.

You see this all the time in the belief that some guys, especially Nice Guys have that sex is a commodity that you need to “get” or “take” from another person.

Consequences of Being a Nice Guy

If you’re a Nice Guy, your goal is to break the spell that these three previous sources placed on you.

Just as there’s ramifications to being socially dense, there’s also drawbacks to being a Nice Guy.

Say goodbye to a great dating life. If you’re a Nice Guy, you won’t be able to get the love life you desire with the women or woman you lust for. If you somehow do get with a woman you’re attracted to, you’ll quickly lose her due to your lack of boundaries. Women have their own problems with being Nice Girls in dating, but Nice Guys will find it much harder to date let alone attract high quality partners due to the fact that men are generally seen as the “pursuers” in dating.

No true friends or love. Let’s be honest…no one really respects Nice Guys. They see them as good guys and convenient to be around, but they don’t inspire passion and loyalty that makes people call on them or check on them how they’re doing. Their family also doesn’t really respect them either.

Treadmill existence. Nice Guys generally live a “Groundhog Day” existence where they just run in circles repeating the same scenarios over and over because of their underlying feeling of passivity and hopelessness.

Average, mediocre life and expectations.Being a Nice Guy will ensure you live a below-average to “average” existence. “Average” is the upper ceiling of a Nice Guy’s paradigm. Ok job, ok marriage, ok friendships, living paycheck to paycheck, being content with coasting… You’re doing “alright” in life but you aren’t really thriving. The bills are being paid, but the money isn’t being made. So you just stay stuck doing whatever. Many of the things that people want take work and colossal amounts of action. Nice Guys are unable to truly assert themselves in a certain direction and get the cream of the crop, so they have to settle for less in a world of more.

How to Stop Being a Nice Guy With 3 Powerful Tactics

I was a variant of a Nice Guy in my younger years, so I know all this too well. For myself, I often found that I was lacking power in social situations and everyday activities, so I ended up retreating to the realm of intangibility.

I was only able to break this fixation by slowly asserting myself in the real world and creating self-efficacy in it.

Here are 4 strategies you can use to eliminate your Nice Guy tendencies.

1. Realize this is Day One

You may have been one way yesterday. That’s fine. But that’s over with now.

You are hitting the metaphorical reset button. From here on out, you will be someone who can actually stand for something. No more are you going to hide away in the shadows pretending to be someone you’re not.

You may slip, you may backslide a bit, but you’re never going back to that way of living and being.

This is day one.

2. Stop Chasing Validation

In order to stop this behavior, it’s necessary to understand the core needs of a Nice Guy.

Nice Guys are after validation through whatever means necessary. It can be through people pleasing, social media validation, sexual validation, etc.

This validation reinforces the Nice Guy paradigm. Instead, you need to learn to act even when there’s no validation. What’s an easy way to do this?

Go on a trip by yourself and don’t post it to social media. No Instagram pics, no Snapchats, nothing. Just bask in the moment of that trip. How do you feel when you don’t have people +1ing your pictures (and in extension, your life)?

If you feel some kind of way about that, it shows there’s a chink in your armor.

This is why a lot of people don’t do things that will help them out in life because many of the things you do to move you forward in life, no one will ever know about them.

Like:

• “what? I don’t get a parade thrown for me when I manage to wake up before my alarm clock?”
• “what? I don’t get a public service announcement that I finally managed to pay off my credit cards?
• “I don’t get a lap dance because I dragged myself to the gym after a 12 hour shift and finished my workout?”

You won’t because many movements towards your ideal life are invisible steps that no one will ever see.

There are many things I have done throughout my days to move me forward in life that I know I will never get any acclaim for. And that’s just fine. That’s called being an adult.

Some people need motivation like all the time posting about their weight loss journey on social media. That’s great – I commend those people. I think sharing with your friends and people who are about you about how you are becoming a healthier person is fantastic.

But if you do this on a regular basis and you’re like “cmon guys, back me up, back me up – gimme some motivation, pllllzzzz” I think that is an ultimately unsustainable experience.

There will be many times in your life where you’ll just have to dig deep and find that internal fire and keep your own spark alive.

For some of you, these will be do or die situations. Like it’s the end of the month and rent isn’t paid. Where are you going to get the money? Or caring for a sick loved one and you’re the only person who can advocate on their behalf. Or you need to change your diet or you are on a road for a stroke or a heart attack.

My suggestion?

Climb a mountain, tell no one.

3. Stop Being So Dogmatic

I alluded to earlier in this article that Nice Guys have a universal tendency to be sticklers for the rules, consciously or unconsciously.

This is because Nice Guys have bought into what I call “the myth of civilization”. This is a belief that if they follow all of society’s rules and guidelines, they’ll live a good life.

This is from I believe – two places:

1. Societal conditioning
2. Biological conditioning

Most societies have an underlying belief in a life beyond this one. Whether it’s Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, whatever. There’s a belief that the good will be rewarded with good, the bad will be rewarded with bad based on what actions they take in this life.

Whether you believe that is up to you, but this belief has trickled down to us “regular people” in society that we believe if we do everything “right”, we’ll be rewarded. Whether that’s with “fame, money, status, acclaim, etc.

And what is “right” in this context?

Again, “right” is “nice”.

“Right” is agreeable.

“Right” is doesn’t rock the boat.

And once again, I am not advocating for socially perverse behavior, however I am advocating for knowing that these behaviors alone aren’t “enough” for you to do what you want to do and live how you want to live.

Life isn’t just trying to smooth things over and be diplomatic. Many times, you will simply have to assert boundaries just to prevent people from just treating you like garbage. If you have or had a boss who was like this, then this is probably familiar territory.

While yes, as I said earlier, there are universal rules and laws that I believe we should all be aware of. The biggest underlying of them all?

There is no one way to “live life”.

There are thousands of roads you can take from where you’re standing now to reach your vision of “the good life”.

Life itself is seemingly chaotic and disorderly. There is no one path to nirvana. The best solution is to create your own blueprint and maximize that blueprint to get the success you desire. Take bits and pieces from people who have gotten success in areas that you want to get success in and then reformulate it to fit your life circumstances.

The other part of this is your inherent biological conditioning.

Early on, we have an innate sense of “fairness”. Children want everything to be nice and fair all of the time.

While this is a very noble quality, we all come to find out that life is inherently “unfair”.

Some people are taller than others, some people have more natural musical talent than others, some people are just fortunate (or unfortunate?) to be born into an “Old Money family”.

It’s also “unfair” because of the artificial unfairness that gets created in society. Such as nepotism, insider trading, family connections, etc.

So as a whole, you have the very entire structure of life being quite unfair in a relative sense, and that’s at the absolute minimum.

So when you have these two and they reinforce each other, you get a person who will eventually become very resentful. And since many Nice Guys cannot publicly express this resentment, they repress it and it becomes shadow energy in the psyche.

This creates a massive darker side of a person that gathers energy over time. Then one day, this entity has gathered enough energy and then it just says “I’m taking over”. And that’s when the guy snaps and turns into a rageful, vengeful version of himself fueled by all this massive resentment.

This is what happens when you buy into what other people tell you the “rules” are.

When in reality, the success you want probably won’t come by “following the rules”.

In another podcast episode, I discussed at length how contrarian thinking will open lanes of opportunity for you.

This one if you’re curious:

And while it will open up opportunity for you, there is a massive social punishment that comes from not “following the rules”.

People will mock you, people will shame you, people will do all sorts of things to get you to comply.

And I do think some social compliance is good. You shouldn’t run out into the street without any clothes on. That will probably get you arrested.

However, when it comes to living your life? This is a dangerous belief to have because your life is your life. Only you can live it.

But social friction is something many Nice Guys cannot handle. As a result, they end up losing out – big time.

Because there are just times in life where you simply have to say to people, whether your family or your friends, outright or implied – “hey guys – nothing against y’all, but I just gotta do me on this one.”

And if anyone has a problem with that, just know they most likely do not have your best interest in mind.

4. Just Say No/Act Assertive and Authentic

Self-assertiveness means honoring my wants, needs, and values and seeking appropriate forms of their expression in reality…Self-assertion does not mean belligerence or inappropriate aggressiveness, it does not mean pushing to the front of the line…It simply means the willingness to stand up for myself…It means the refusal to fake my person to be liked. – Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Nancy Reagan’s famous “just say no” anti-drug campaign was famous in the 80s, for good reason. It’s the same approach you need to take when you’re pressured into doing something you don’t want to do.

Nice Guys have trouble saying “no” because they fall into the people-pleaser frame. They can’t stand the tension that comes from breaking unspoken social rapport (or the illusion of rapport).

But you need to realize that this is YOUR life and you need to make sure it’s the best it’ll be, because you don’t get another shot.

If that means ditching a party early to get some shut-eye, or saying “Sorry sir, I can’t do that” to your boss when they ask you to work on a Saturday, you need to develop that assertiveness and stand up for YOU.

Being assertive overlaps with the practice of saying “no”, but it occupies a different realm. At it’s best, being assertive means you are upholding standards of behavior and thought that lead you to your highest self.

It doesn’t mean being a jerk, it doesn’t mean being an asshole, it doesn’t mean acting selfishly. At its quintessential form, it is self-care and a sense of dignity.

Here’s an example: someone tries to drag you into a conversation talking about how bad the world is, how bad the government is, etc, etc. You value your state of mind, so you don’t want to go in that direction. You can either tell him “I don’t want to talk about this” or you can change the subject

The ultimate act of assertiveness for many young people is breaking away from parents who want to live through you vicariously and establishing yourself as an independent adult who can see with them eye-to-eye.

Another high act of assertiveness and authenticity is approaching a woman you find attractive with the intention to start a relationship with her, not being “friends and seeing where it goes”.

Part of being assertive is the ability to act with courage. You need to stand up for what you believe is right no matter what will or can happen. Easier said than done.

Wrapping Up + The Alternative

Instead of being simply “nice”, aim to be authentic. You need to accept that you are a multi-dimensional being with thoughts, desires, impulses, needs, wants, dreams, and various other modalities that make a human being a human being.

It’s all about processing emotions through a filter of maturity, something that’s an art that takes time, reflection, and nuance. Doing the deep inner work will put you in touch with this nuance and enable you to come out the other side as a more authentic version of yourself.

Now I want to hear from you…are you a Nice Guy? What are you doing to stop being “nice” and start being authentic?